Another baby was about the furthest thing from our minds, but we couldn’t have been more excited!I started planning how we would fit a tiny human into our busy lives with three teenagers. I constantly thought about how much fun it would be to cuddle and nurture another little one after all this time. (I should mention that I’m a neonatal ICU nurse and have always LOVED babies!) At 11 weeks into the pregnancy, the doctor called with some test results that confirmed our baby was a boy and that he had trisomy 18, a rare chromosomal abnormality that comes with many possible complications. I have taken care of a handful of these babies and I knew all too well what that meant. Our baby boy, Nathan James, wouldn’t be with us very long. For the next 25 weeks I treasured my ever growing belly and every kick, squirm and wiggle. At 36 weeks, I delivered Nathan and he lived for two short hours. It was the sweetest and most peaceful home-going I have ever witnessed. About three weeks later (and against doctor’s orders), I needed to be held and comforted by my husband. That was the first time I had a break from the overwhelming, unending sorrow that threatened to consume me.
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We had to find our way out of this and get back to each other. After a lot of talking, crying, praying and seeing a therapist, we are finally connecting in a much healthier way.It hasn’t been easy and at times it’s been really ugly, but we are on the right track.
Sex can still be comforting on those hard days when the grief is heavier than normal. I think God intended it to be this way and for that I am thankful. My husband no longer feels used and is enjoying being with me again.Some healing is taking place in my heart and I am finding joy in taking care of my tiny patients. I’m especially fond of the little red headed boys God sends my way that remind me so much of my Nathan. The article first appeared here
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